(We’ve begun to talk about the arrival of summer, and are now counting down the last green dot days of school on our calendar. This will stir up questions, excitement, maybe anxieties as kids build their understanding of what the end of school will mean. We like to allow enough time for kids to process this change, and offer some concrete ways to think about the past year, the upcoming summer, and a bit about next school year. More next week about how this is going.)
Making a friend, having a friend and being a friend are important goals in nursery school, but this is not easy for kids. To connect, they need to join another’s play, with or without asking. In order to maintain a connection to another kid and keep the play going, kids need to be able to verbalize their ideas, adjust, and clarify, repeatedly. They need to be able to give up a part of their own idea to accommodate another.
For both parties to be satisfied, there needs to be a good level of give and take.
Some children came into the class already knowing a friend, or having some experience playing with another kid in class. Others have made a friend or two here. Either way, it can be exciting and satisfying to find that kind of connection, and most children are then very protective of the friendship. They might defer their own interests to sustain the connection. Teachers might need to remind kids, “It’s ok if you want to finish your painting while your friend moves on to another activity. You can tell them you’ll find them again when you’re finished.” Some kids need teachers to help them advocate for themselves and their ideas, and support them in expressing these to their friend.
For those invested in a friendship, the intricacies of how and when to play together require a lot of thought. The give and take can be one sided, or one might feel a need to always accommodate the other. Children this age are egocentric and find it hard to take another’s perspective. Ideally, as they have more experience, and hear friends verbalize their points of view, they eventually begin to understand that theirs isn’t the only idea. Some friends who build together regularly have been grappling with taking turns. After turning down their friend’s invitation to build, a child said, “I’m making my own car. You never let me be the driver!” Another child asked their buddy to come see what they’d built. When the friend wasn’t interested, the first child grew frustrated, and was heard saying to their friend,“You always want me to look at your things, but you never look at my things!” These challenges might give a child pause, and can be something we can reference the next time they want to invite the other to play.
While navigating a friendship can be difficult, trying to incorporate multiple kids can increase the challenge. When one of a pair of friends is approached by or attracted to another child, they might feel conflicted. The loyalty to their first friend might weigh against the desire to make a new connection. When faced with another prospective playmate, some might say, “You’re not my friend! I’m friends with Bob.” or, they might say to the previous playmate, “I’m not your friend anymore - now I’m playing with Sue.” When a trio forms, the balance of power and exchange of idea shifts, and when a small group forms, there are a lot of perspectives and preferences to juggle. Some children grasp for ways to protect their games. “You can’t play! Only kids with pockets (or kids who are 4, or only princesses….) can play.” Teachers look for ways to challenge these perspectives, and help kids talk through how that kind of exclusion can feel. We remind them of times when they felt excluded. Sometimes, kids say mean or hurtful things. “I’m never going to play with you!” or “You’re stupid!“ or “I”m not inviting you to my Birthday!” Teachers remind kids it’s not ok to be mean. We try to help tease out kids’ intentions and motivations through conversations, and support kids as they navigate these ins and outs.
We can say that it’s ok to have more than one friend, and talk over problems as they arise, but kids still need to have many experiences to internalize these ideas.
Kids need help to navigate friendships and all the emotions they stir up. Adults can provide support as kids begin to make sense of things. “I know you have fun with Bob. When you say that he’s not your friend, it sounds mean.” “I know you are playing with Jill now, but will you want to play something later with Bob?” Kids need to have many experiences to begin to understand another’s point of view, and to consider how their words and actions affect the friends they’re trying to make.