Everyone wants to raise polite and thoughtful children. So, when a child inevitably upsets someone else, it seems natural to ask them to apologize. However, research shows that children can detect insincere apologies and requiring children to apologize when they aren’t actually sorry can backfire. Sincere apologies grow out of empathy, which is just beginning to develop in preschool aged children.
Empathy requires children to be able to identify emotions, make a connection between emotions and their causes and consider the perspective of another person. When a conflict arises at school, we try to help children understand and express the feelings that are involved.
For example, if Jim reports that Ann bumped into him, we might be tempted to instruct Ann to apologize and move on, but there are important lessons in these occasions. First, we want Jim to advocate for himself, so we will direct him to Ann. Older children might be able to tell another child directly that they didn’t like being bumped or that it hurt, but many younger children need us to give them the words. We might ask “Did you like it when he bumped you? You could say ‘I don’t like it when you bump me. It hurts.’”
Ann might need help understanding the connection between her actions and Jim’s feelings. We might call attention to Jim’s face. “That bump hurt! Look at his face. Can you tell how he’s feeling? He didn’t like it when you bumped him.”
Of course, Ann has a perspective, too. Perhaps Jim did something to infringe on Ann’s rights or Ann just accidentally bumped him. We might ask “Were you trying to bump him?” If the answer is no, we might encourage Ann to tell Jim that she didn’t mean to bump him and have her tell Jim she won’t bump him again. If it was yes, then we have an opportunity to help Ann with that. Say Jim took something Ann was using. We could reinforce Ann’s feelings in this way. “It seems like you were mad that he took the block you wanted. But it’s not ok to hit him, hitting hurts. Let’s tell him that you weren’t done.”
Here are some additional resources to help guide you through this with your preschooler:
Sorry, Really Sorry https://youtu.be/3hLMw_0iHjc
Genuine Apologies | Responsive Classroom
Katrina Nousaine & Anita Speck, Park West Co-Op Preschool Teachers, contributed to this post
Park West Co-Op is a progressive preschool located on Chicago’s near Northside in the heart of Lincoln Park. Park West is a diverse group of teachers who are experts in early childhood education. We've dedicated ourselves to understanding and developing teaching methods that cater to each child's individual needs so they can grow in a positive way. Teachers work hand in hand with the parent run Co-Op and offer robust hands on parent education in the classroom.