When Young Children Experience Big Emotions

I just want my child to be happy!

Who can relate to feeling this way? I know for myself, as a parent, I hate to see my child feeling upset, sad, or worried. What if they are grouchy or say something mean to me or their sibling, or worse yet, a stranger? As parents we work so hard to meet our children’s needs—to cook them healthy food and to provide for them physically and emotionally. We buy toys, take them to the park, plan playdates, and try so hard to make their lives enjoyable and to give them all that they deserve…so why can’t they just be happy?!

This common sentiment from parents may not serve children or their development in the way we might hope. After all, when was the last time you were happy for an entire day, let alone an entire week or month? Even on a great day you might stub your toe, get a parking ticket, or feel overwhelmed by an inbox full of emails.

Like us, children experience the full range of human emotions—often many of them in one day. They feel fear, surprise, excitement, jealousy, sadness, joy, delight, worry, and contentment, to name a few. The biggest difference between children and (some) adults is that we have had the time and experience to cultivate certain skills to help us notice how we feel. We have learned adaptive (or maladaptive) ways to both manage our emotions and to express them in order to get our needs met and to be understood in the world.

When young children experience big emotions—excitement, joy, fear, shock—they too must express and manage these emotions. This can look many different ways (I’m sure you can imagine from your own child what this might look like): squealing, jumping up and down, running around, hiding, biting, pushing, crying, screaming, and the always-available option: throwing themself down on the floor and becoming a noodle!

In these moments of big emotions, especially the difficult ones, it’s easy to think, After all I have done for you, why are you doing this to me? Why can’t you be grateful or patient or flexible? Here's the thing: although it may feel like it, they aren’t doing it to you, they are doing it with you. And probably because you are the person with whom they feel most comfortable being vulnerable, explosive, or out of control. This unwanted behavior is merely your child using the very limited tools they have to try and manage and express those big feelings.

Rather than, I just want my child to be happy, here is a new goal to consider: I just want my child to understand how they feel and learn how to share that with me and the world! So next time you find yourself in a moment of big feelings with your child, see if you can lean into the moment by helping them name their feelings and validate them—you are so mad that you can’t watch TV right now. I can tell you are feeling frustrated. After identifying the feeling, be with your child and try to offer them comfort. Maybe a hug, maybe a favorite stuffed animal, or maybe a quiet place to be while they recover.

Once things have calmed down a bit, you can return to the experience and talk about it. I can also tell you that the expression of big feelings can often be shorter when children feel truly seen and validated in their feelings, they won’t have to continue to convince you about how they feel. For example, You know, I have a really hard time stopping my TV time too. I just love to watch my favorite show and sometimes I feel frustrated when I have to stop. Next, give them a simple strategy to help them practice a new way to manage their feelings with you. Maybe next time, when your TV time is over, we could play a game about what you watched. Or maybe we can get out paper and markers and draw a picture about what you were watching.

- Melissa Boshans, Director, Park West Co-Op Nursery School